Make me invisible, like a ninja.

Friday:

WrestlerMan, myself, and the two instructors on Friday. Win. Or, well, not so much. Escapes from side control - which, hell, I really need help with, but struggle with - to the point where when I end up in that position I think "oh, crap, I should just tap now and get it over with.". I can eventually get out of most positions, I think, as long as I have enough time to remember an escape or three to try. Except side control or any variation of it. Something about it keeps me completely pinned. Haven't yet found a technique reliable enough to get me out. Er, ever. Need to do some thinking about it.

Have also got on my mental list to ask the Teach about how to make myself harder to roll. In grappling, we were talking about how relaxing makes you harder to throw, so I assume the same idea comes into play in jiujitsu... but physically, I'm sure where you're putting your weight matters just as much in grappling. I know that putting more than a hundred pounds on someone's chest should be enough to make them feel trapped, even if they're heavier/stronger than me. Because if I'm actually able to get on top, I'd really like to stay there...

We worked on a really neat transition sequence. Really godawfully confusing, but I know it'll really help when I get it down. Mount to side control to reverse side control to cross-body (forget what that's called) to reverse side control to side control to mount. Around and around and around. Woohoo. 

Saturday:

Seems they're gearing for an upper rank test, so things are harder than normal - topping! :-D

Am quietly working to be as invisible and unobtrusive as possible so that no one mentions testing to me. I've been with this school for a little less than a year - maybe nine or ten months, I joined last summer. I'm ranked with a different school, different style, and different organization. For the record, I tried to pull off being a white belt and starting at the beginning again, but was eventually outed and told to wear my rank. Something about "if you're a doctor, you're a doctor anywhere, and it confuses people when you pretend otherwise." But anyway - have been working since I got there to adapt to their style - it is similar enough to the style of karate I did back home that I'm able to keep up, but different enough in fundamental, technique-wise ways that it has taken real effort to learn to do things Their Way. But they've mentioned, in passing, that I may have to eventually test for them, to be ranked with them and their style.

I would really rather not. I don't want rank, and would frankly feel much more comfortable with, say, a blue belt around my waist in the first place. Testing back home was fairly frightful, and so I faffed participating but every few years, but was eventually dragged through each of the ordeals necessary to tie a piece of black cotton around my waist. Bah. I really hate testing - eyes on you, being judged, being physically tested... ugh. And I generally feel quite crap about my own ability, so I would rather not give the impression that I know more than I do - and let others who do really know... really see.

Am decidedly grumpy at my krav instructor telling folks that I'm a black belt - as if that means something. Particularly as I'm sure he knows exactly what that means (since he sees pretty accurately how far I've got to go). Humbug.

So yes... am decidedly wary and careful in class right now, hoping I'm not asked to participate, and that the Shihan stops trying to draw me out.

Would love to be less terrified of being the center of attention, but there you are - what can you do?

I was talking about Saturday.

We ran through Every Kata (even the Obscure Ones) up to Wankon Ich (which I don't know, its specific to this style). Basics until our asses cracked [oh, wait...!]. Then this really strange choreographed fight sequence. Really weird - so far outside the norm that even the Really Advanced Dudes were struggling. We don't really do choreographed fighting, but I think its something the Shihan is adapting from Kung Fu.

Trying to remember it.

A [B]

Punch [block, throat-strike, release]
Punch [hook block, grab, punch]
Block. Haito to the collar bone [block, punch, punch]
Block. Hammer-fist temple [block, punch]
Pressing blocks, (two hands) [grab, wristlock]
Step & twist for take-down [evade]
Punch [block, hammerfist temple]
Block [punch]
Block, punch [step in, grab, sweep]
Evade, punch [hook block, punch]
Block, punch [hook block, punch]
Block, punch [hook block, punch]

And I forget the rest. And have probably mangled this version, but its okay... it won't make sense to anyone but me anyway.Just a way to try and store it away for later.  It was kind of beautiful to watch, at the least. And anything that involves even simulated contact combinations is fun.

I need to start writing sooner after class, so that I stop forgetting so much. I can't WAIT to be fully healed and able to Think Like A Normal Again. Brain has been mushy applesauce for a month... nothing is sticking in it, its all just sliding through. I hate it - I can't hold onto anything. Damn lurgy.

It'll come back... but in the meantime, I'm slogging through brain-blocking sick and hoping I'll eventually be able to think straight.

Brainbroken. Still.

Monday:

Missed Krav because I worked late, but caught grappling class. My brain is pretty fuzzy on cold medicine, so I don't remember most of what we worked on, except that I did learn a trick for a triangle choke - for when my legs are just too short.  One - turn towards my knee to get more room.  My instinct is to turn away from it - so good tip. Else - you don't need your legs locked to make it work. Pressing your knees together and ankles down have the same effect. 

Tuesday: More working late. No karate. :(

Wednesday:

More of the same drills from last week. Armbar switching (I think I was even MORE awkward this time) after mount-to-armbar (which I'm so foggy I couldn't tell you how it happens). Also worked on some sort of head-and-arm choke from mount.  Interesting - didn't work on me, didn't work on my partner. Theorized that maybe it doesn't work on females? Will do some testing.

Thursday:

Folks are getting ready for the state tournament, so we're doing all sorts of weird new tournament stuff. Ten second submissions. 10/6/3 second throws.  Really weird. I'm not sure I like it! Makes me realize how slow my brain is working right now, and it scares me because at that speed you're more likely to hurt someone.  I'm NOT about hurting folks, and I just don't have that kind of focus/precision/control. #1 Goal To Work On. And then, of course, Goal #2 would be to get things right.

Mumpy moany whinge.

I’m sickymumpymopey. Well, am generally grumpy right now. Am fairly pathetic when I’m sick, because I get mad when The Lurgy keeps me from doing the fun things I want to do.  And so have loud, protracted and useless whingey rants at the world and hope that fixes things.

So far, no luck.

Been awhile since I wrote, so I'm not gonna do the blow-by-blow. Just want to write what I've picked up on. Ya know, for later, when I forget all of this. Given the putty-like state of my brain right now, that will be very soonly.

Karate: Adaptation is hard, but the more I try it the quicker it comes. 

Tuesday we worked on Actually Hitting Things. A nice change. ;-) No, but really: pad work. Was good to use the standing bags and be able-allowed to put my power behind it. Hitting fer realz. Was thinking bout adaptation because something simple, like being asked to kick a side-thrust from kiba [sideways stance], rather than fighting[forward]-stance - really threw me. Was harder than I thought it should be to do the same kick from a different stance. A good ten tries later, it clicked - but just realized that when we get set into one way of doing things, it can be stupidly hard to stretch outside that. I even caught myself thinking: why would I want to kick from kiba!? But kiba is really just a sideways facing stance. And realistically, I should be able to throw a side-thrust kick to an opponent to either side of me as easily - or more easily - than one in front of me. Right? Should. Yes.

Jiujitsu is a special kind of challenge.

Wednesday was an escape/transition drill - mount to guard to side control. Wish my brain were still functioning enough to remember. Damn cold-meds. I want to say it was: trap & roll [mount], elbow (knee-tailbone) escape [guard], to side-control transition [back to mount]. I can remember everything except the transition from side-control to mount.   All I remember is tucking their head between your armpit and knee, turning as for kesa... and then - somehow - making it around to the mount. Eeple... steps missing! I really wish I could draw.

Things to remember: when popping out of guard, turning my hips into their ankles, pushing out, not down, and popping my hip again (particularly with long-leggers) helps break their guard. When Passing the guard to side control, tucking one knee up under their armpit gives a lot more control - one at the shoulder, the other at the hips. Five points of control. 

I really like these drills - they really help me, for one, to learn What To Do When. To suddenly have Options, and to remember what to do, or what I have done, or what might work, or what else I could try. One day I might actually be able to make the drills work for me in free-rolling. Kinda sucks, though, when you're partnered with folks that know exactly what you're gonna do before you do it... ;-)

I skipped judo on Thursday. First time in awhile I have. Went home early from work and slept all afternoon and all night through, blitzed out on nyquil. Feel like I'm never going to be over this flu! Was really hard not to go to judo, though. Got up and had one very fierce debate with myself about whether I was well enough to go. Decided I wasn't. What with being unable to stand upright or walk without weaving. But it was a near thing - was v. impressed with myself for not going, actually, because normally I'd be all: its only once a week, I can't miss! And talk myself into it. But I can't really imagine how I'd've made it through on Thursday.

I was also legit too sick to go to jiujitsu on Friday too, but I'd had such a crappy day at work I felt compelled to go pretend to rip some arms off. Regardless of how I felt. So I was willing to go anyway. And actually managed the class fine, even if-though I felt like hacking out my lungs, I managed not to. It was the free-rolling that killed me.

We worked more drills: Mount to armbar, armbar switches, and mount escapes. Damn, my brain is really little more than mushy sloopy wet-newspaper right now. Err-cause? I can't remember what I did just last night. Excuse me while I bang it loose against the wall...  I really have no idea how that arm-bar happens. Maybe it'll come back to me. Maybe not. I'm addlepated and brainbroken right now.

Mostly I remember not being able to breathe with J. on top of me in free-rolling. I need to get a handle on this! I know, practically, that it is because I'm congested and having trouble breathing normally, let alone with someone actively trying to crush me - but its leading me to panic and want to quit. I've not felt this way before, period. I mean, yeah, I've felt trapped underneath someone, but never panicked, never felt like I couldn't get enough air. But this week, and then two weeks ago [right when I started to get sick] - both times with J. - I had to tap out because I was absolutely panicking. I couldn't breathe. It felt miserable and horrible and terrifying. Tried to tell myself that I could actually breathe - but those short, shallow breaths just weren't doing it for me. Its scary, and frustrating, because it makes me feel weak and girly. Bah. Its enough to make me afraid to roll with J., because its happened both times with him, because he just CRUSHES you. I mean, I'm not used to being afraid in class, so I'm completely horrified that I am feeling this way. That I really didn't want to play anymore last night. BahgahPAH.  Really really hope this is just because I'm ill (which makes practical sense) and not a sign of some new trend to come. Because I really can't handle this if I start panicking with someone on top of me. What the actual fuck?

Intend to spend the weekend sleeping and resting and healing to be ready to play on Monday, panic aside and breath returned to normal. *sign of the cross, voodoo hexes, whatever works*

Sweet.

Trying to be brief. Which is totally not my style, but I'm limited by time. Hello!

Saturday

The Shihan physically dragged me to the floor to help with the little kids. With some sort of tease about not being able to hide and play invisible. Am getting a bit uncomfortable by his consistent, slow attention. Trying to draw me out. Would much prefer to be invisible, all said.  Urgh.

The benefit of being there for the kids class is that I know, more or less, what we'll be doing in the adult class.  Stances, kata, drills. The kata work was particularly good, because it was led by a red belt I don't know very well, but is a good teacher and had lots of good advice. About timing, but also breathing.  Will try his "three deep breaths" idea and see how it works for me.  Drills were nice - I really am 50x better at drills than six months ago. Was partnered with a young brown belt boy - maybe 13 or 14, but I'm horrible at guessing ages. We worked pretty well together - but that might've been because we were doing led sweeps, and I'm a huge fan of leg-sweeps, now I do judo.

Monday

Krav was great. New instructor - they just finished the instructor's course, and so all the newly minted instructors (who used to be members of the class) are taking turns teaching. Its cool! And really nice to get different teaching styles.

We worked on stomping kicks (mine is better than it was, I can tell!), and then a back-fall followed by a thrust kick from the ground - also much improved. The drill was a forward-choke/head-butt defense. I think I've done it before, but it was good. My partner and I had fun, but also worked hard - I love that combination.  The combination was something like a one hand pop-off with a shoulder dip (for a palm-heel strike), clinch and combatives. I'm still feeling awkward with combatives. One day I'll not feel awkward - my partner (who is now an instructor - go K!) seems to do it fluidly. Something to shoot for...

Grappling was as fun as ever. Worked a sweep from the guard - trapping an arm, hooking the opposite leg over the back, and rolling, if I remember correctly. Also an arm bar from guard that involved wrapping your arm around theirs to put pressure above the elbow - was a lot more difficult than it looked. I found I had to rotate to get the leverage to make it work - probably because I have short arms. Rondori was okay. Nothing spectacular, though I learned not to lock my ankles when I've got someone's back... and that I'm not sure I'll ever get a head and arm triangle!

Sprained my thumb - not sure how. Lovely. Heal fast, pls?

Karate tonight.

No fear.

Judo yesterday: working on 'bumping' throws.

Harder than it sounds, but maybe because I'm thinking about it. My problem is that I pause between the bump and the throw - I need to fully commit. I think I stop to check my leverage, see if I'm right on... but I don't need to be perfect for things to work.  They'll work.  Just need to lose my fear - I know if I commit and they counter/I'm off/whatever, I'm gonna go flying or set myself up to be choked.

We also learned some baseball slide sacrifice throws. That really might come in handy.  Drop throws in general. Will have to play with that.

Watched some pretty awesome matches between jiujitsu guys. No fear, no inhibitions. Just showed me what I could do, if I fully committed and stopped being afraid to move. Its hard to explain the feeling, but I just know I'm hesitating, thinking things through. Which is fine... except when it keeps me from committing with my whole body. Makes me think - maybe the bigest reason why I'm getting pinned isn't the size of my opponent, but my willingness to throw my whole bodyweight and technique against them. My instructor was talking about what happens when you pair an upper rank and a lower rank together. The upper rank is playing hard, because they don't want to lose... and sometimes the lower rank is giving in because they're expecting to. I'm gonna try to find that mindset tonight at jiujitsu. 

Have to find the line between committing fully... and spazzing.

A form of control: not laughing.

Karate is fun.  And often v. funny.

Tuesday started out with just Sensei B and I - for the First Time Ever. No kids: they're all on spring break and off having fun.  So we practiced bunkai (applications) briefly, until some new students walked in.
And so we backed it down (no advanced stuff, frownyface) and practiced basics all class.

Am not sure what we did on Monday that left me with a very sore hip - either was K. whacking the wind out of me in throws, or the kicking? Regardless, my bumhip was - and is - an achey ball of dontscrewwithme.

So the hour and a half of stance-work was a delight of a special kind.  I mean - very good, actually - I always need work on stances. But tiring and long, particularly when you're trying to Set An Example, Dammit. I wonder if the day will ever come when I don't mess up? Bah.  I mean - in general, I'm sure that the new folks can't tell. But I can. Bar ever higher. And I know my instructors can tell - because they're never shy to point out where I'm failing... Yay.

No, really.

But we worked on basics - moving in stance, basic blocks, and the beginner first kata. I really like new students, and these were definitely of the type that learns quickly and practices at home in order to learn more quickly. A mom and her young son. I like teaching, as long as the groups are small and the students want to learn.

On Friday it was Sensei D and I. And a very fun, very productive class. We quickly ran through all the basic techniques; the first time I've been able to see, side by side with another black belt, that my techniques, while far from perfect, are technically correct. Was really nice to see, since I've been working hard to learn to do things Their Way (rather than My Home's Way) - and its been a long time coming.

Then we had some fun.

Balanced boxing mitts on our heads - which was hilarious. Its hard not to laugh when you've got a boxing mitt on your head, and are surrounded by mirrors. But it was also very useful. Went through kata and basics, trying not to let it fall. While trying also to be controlled, fluid, and on target. Woah, talk about illumination!  It really helped me see and feel the ears-over-shoulders-over-hips - and find where I wasn't managing that. And keep that feeling all through class.

The last half of class we worked on drills - a block & counter drill followed by a sweep. And the sweep progressed to a sort of throw. Well, a weird sort of behind-you-in-kiba-leg-bump that is really hard to describe, but I want to try in judo (if its legal).

 Sensei D will be out of town until April, so it'll be much less karate and much more jiujitsu for the next few weeks. Tonight is judo. Can I cross my fingers that I suck a little less than usual tonight?

So. Much. To. Learn.

Krav tonight was good - worked on low punches and front kicks. More of what we've been doing lately, which is cool.  I'm still trying to switch to krav-kicking.  In karate, you avoid any sort of kick which throws off your center of balance - there are several kinds of thrust kicks, though, so at least I have a basis for it. But instead of leaning away and thrusting, krav kicks thrust back and forward at the same time. Its a bit hard to explain, and I've not quite figured it out. Just talking out loud - I've been watching the instructors and trying to mimic them.

The combatives for tonight's krav class: a defense to a choke from behind. I've done it a time or two, so I was pleased that I didn't struggle so much with it. My problem, as normal, was accidentally connecting my knee with  my partners gut. Eeple.  But, in a more practical sense, getting a real clinch and keeping control of their body, as well as being controlled and precise in my targets (so, yeah, I don't knee them in the gut unless I mean to).

Grappling was fun - but then, I do love grappling. I sucked, but I'm going to have to stop saying that, since it isn't likely to change. Throws are so different without a gi. They're a lot harder. More reason to work on sweeps and takedowns? nah... Well, yes. And throws. I'm really not sure, practically, how well throws work in no-gi or practical situations, but I might as well keep them in my repertoire... halfway because they're fun, no matter how useful they are.

We did this really fun throw, though - a sacrifice throw, hooking under the arm like for ippon seonage, but leaning backwards and finally rolling the person across your body by the arm. Will definitely try to play with it later. Maybe he'll show it to us again in Judo. Note to self: ask to have it shown again.

Rolling was no better than normally, though I managed to hold back K's chokes, for once - mostly because she was exhausted and sore from the instructor course last week in krav. Any other day, I'd've been crushed beneath her forearms. Bah. Oh well.

I still hate sucking.

Worked with the instructor for a wee bit, too.  Realized how very long its been since I've worked with any of the instructors.  I'm not sure if they stopped rolling with me or me with them (probably me, feeling like too much crap to volunteer to work with them), but regardless, its been awhile. Its weird - just drives home how far I am from getting anything right - but also how much I really can learn from them.