Last night was the first time I'd ever tapped because I was just too tired to go on with it. I ran out of gas. After ten minutes of a 200lb man crushing my chest (though I'm sure he wasn't putting the kind of weight he'd put on someone else), I was starting to panic from lack of oxygen. It was the first time I've ever had that. I've had small moments of panic - when someone's got me in a submission, and I can't tap or speak out, or when someone's choking me and I can't reach to tap. Yeah, that's a little scary - you really hope they let go before you give out.
But this time it was just a progressive lack of oxygen - not a problem for a little while, but all of a sudden I felt claustrophobic, panicking because I can't get out. Ugh. Weird! As much as I love rolling with guys - that's what I really hate about it. They're usually SO heavy and SO strong, I feel crushed and powerless. I don't think they even realize how heavy they are, how difficult it is to move or breathe under that. Particularly this guy - he's a former wrestler, and his side control is torture. But it is also something of an excuse: I know I can get out, if I could only figure out a way.
It was not a good class. I mean, actually, it was a perfectly fine class - but I was complete crap and trainwreck, so I am grumpy about that. I hate sucking.
Also am grumpy because I had several guys confirm what I already knew: they don't want to roll with me: it isn't a challenge. And I know that - boy do I know that - already. But its one thing to know it: its another thing to be told it. Feel like the kid that gets picked last for baseball. I don't blame them, but it still really sucks to realize no one wants to play with you. *weeps*
Chances are, it'll be like this for a loong time. It'll be years before my technique is any sort of challenge for BigHulkingMen. I'm small, I'm weak, I'm female, and I didn't grow up wrestling. I'm at a disadvantage. I'm never going to be a real challenge to a guy that can pick me up like I'm nothing, and I'm definitely not now.
Course, that doesn't explain the guy who stopped partnering with me about four months ago. Last night I finally asked him about it, and he admitted it - but still didn't give me any reason for it. His response was, more or less: deal with it. Which was... enough to raise my temper, but not enough for me to express it.
All I can think is: (a) I've said something to make him uncomfortable. Does he think I'm flirting with him/coming onto him, and that makes him uncomfortable? I'm not, but I'm definitely friendly with everyone, and sometimes that can be misunderstood. (b) Some weird sort of guy-girl ManBrain thing that keeps him from wanting to roll with me: not wanting to 'lose' to a girl, not wanting to 'beat' a girl, whatever. Or (c) something about me personally that aggravates him. Maybe I'm spazzy. Maybe I hurt him accidentally & regularly. Maybe something I do frustrates him. Something I'm completely unaware of doing.
It doesn't really matter. Whatever its about, it is his deal, and clearly he doesn't want to do anything about it. I'm frustrated because it limits my training partners, and means any time we're the last two on the mat, we're not going to roll. But since I can't do anything about it? I'm trying to just let it roll off me.
For my own notes: we worked on tai-otoshi and mount escapes. I also worked on escapes from side-control.
It sucks - last week's judo class was excellent. I was getting things correct (at least in practice) and it felt wonderful. This class was the opposite. I was weak, I couldn't get anything to work, I was gassing out, and I felt like an idiot and wanted to pull my hair out.
I am really grumpy at the world right now. I'm not sure if MAs are making me grumpy, or if my general grumpiness is rubbing into MAs, but whatever the case - I've got a seed of rage in my heart and I'm working not to unleash it on my boss, my coworkers, my roommates, and my partners.
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