The Crash - Hiatus

Monday.

Krav Maga.  Too sick to make it through practice. Went anyway. Survived. Force of will. *flexes muscles*

Was really just so damn tired of being sick - have been sick for a month - that I said - fuck it, I'm going anyway.  So irritated at my freaking body. 

Class - krav, in this case - was good, nausea and exhaustion aside. Elbow strikes, lots of punching, and a front-strangle defense. New instructor, D - he was good. Its nice to switch it up, because everyone teaches a little differently. He liked to switch it up - elbow and six strikes, block, elbow, four strikes, etc. Which was different, and so it was really good. My striking is getting better, I think. Am getting better at striking the krav way - in krav, anyway. Keeping my hands up, mostly. I've been watching, R, the main instructor - he does a lot of straight punches. Not something we do in karate much, but makes more sense in a practical self-defense-style thing. We talk about it in karate, but don't do it much - that if you don't have time/room to fully turn your punch, a short straight punch - from the hips - can be really effective. 

Tuesday.

Karate.  Was an awesome class, actually. I was finally starting to feel healed and energy-filled, and it really came out fantastically well. I love classes like that. I was given a group of lower-ranked students - kids & adults both - to run through combinations and kata. They were bloody fantastic. It was great to see. Sometimes I have trouble keeping folks on task, and getting them to really try - especially kids - but these guys were On Target and it made me so proud! There's this one little girl - maybe ten or eleven, but I'm absolutely horrible at guessing kids ages - she makes me so proud. I can tell how much she practices and how she's picked up even little things about moving correctly that most folks don't catch onto for a long time. And she's just a yellow belt! Was great to be able to tell her how awesome she was looking. And how awesome they all looked. We worked up a sweat too - myself included.  I don't tell folks what to do, I do it with them too. Tuesdays classes aren't usually much of a workout, so its nice when they are.

The end of class we worked on grip breaks. Was fun too. I'm getting better at remembering the combinations.  I don't know why I always have trouble with them, but I have to be reminded which combo does what. I should remember them better.

Wednesday.

More karate. This time with Sensei D., who's finally back from vacation. Another great practice. Felt great to finally feel well again. We worked on a bunch of stuff. A full kata review. He pointed out about my gaze - I tend to focus my eyes (well, unfocus my eyes) somewhere at the floor in front of me. Even if my body is aligned (I'm not physically looking down), I'm looking down. I'd not even noticed I still did that! I have been getting that feedback since I started karate! My senseis used to follow in front of me and make me look them in the eyes as I moved. It is/was the hardest habit to break. I thought I had - I hadn't - I'm still looking down, even when my head is looking straight. Haha. 

We also did some one step sparring. Not point sparring, obviously (we don't really do that), but one attack, one defense practice drills. You can do anything. Was admonished again and again to go for the head. Damn head-hunters. :-)  Not my reflex. But for once he didn't comment that I was moving into my blocks, which used to be my always-always feedback, so improvement there? I've always tended to step into an attack rather than away. I'm sure that says something about my personality.

Thursday.

Judo. And the current source of my frustration.

Same as normal - working grip breaks and entries for throws.  My partner and I both simultaneously entered for osoto. Something went wrong, because he hooked and pulled my leg sideways rather than backwards. I heard and felt the most disgusting popping, cracking feeling in my knee as it bent where it shouldn't have bent... and went down. 

And there ends my fun for the next good while.

Still not sure what exactly is up with my knee - they did an x-ray (which won't show ligament or cartilage damage, but still means nothing awful broke) and told me to come back in a week for an MRI if I still couldn't walk. Really hoping that rest and hopinghard will make me feel better quickly. Fingers crossed. 

Still can't really walk. Or, well, I can walk, if I don't turn and am not going up or down stairs or bending my leg much. It doesn't hurt - it just feels disgusting and unstable - but when I step wrong and it rolls out? Then it hurts. And spasms. And twitches. I didn't know I could twitch. Lovely. Knee, you impress me.

Am frustrated. A bit embarrassed - don't know what I could've done differently, but still find it really embarrassing to injure myself. *headofshame* Makes me feel old and fragile and stupid.

But mostly am just stupid pissed that I have to take an indeterminable rest period. Its not like - oh, I'll be back in a few days/a week/two weeks/a month. I don't know. And that's what frustrates me. 

I'm fine with taking a break to heal. Not happy about it, but I understand it. And I can't do anything about it anyway - I can't even walk, there's no way I could even pretend to be able to do anything fun. I just want to know for how long, and when/how can I come back? 

Make me invisible, like a ninja.

Friday:

WrestlerMan, myself, and the two instructors on Friday. Win. Or, well, not so much. Escapes from side control - which, hell, I really need help with, but struggle with - to the point where when I end up in that position I think "oh, crap, I should just tap now and get it over with.". I can eventually get out of most positions, I think, as long as I have enough time to remember an escape or three to try. Except side control or any variation of it. Something about it keeps me completely pinned. Haven't yet found a technique reliable enough to get me out. Er, ever. Need to do some thinking about it.

Have also got on my mental list to ask the Teach about how to make myself harder to roll. In grappling, we were talking about how relaxing makes you harder to throw, so I assume the same idea comes into play in jiujitsu... but physically, I'm sure where you're putting your weight matters just as much in grappling. I know that putting more than a hundred pounds on someone's chest should be enough to make them feel trapped, even if they're heavier/stronger than me. Because if I'm actually able to get on top, I'd really like to stay there...

We worked on a really neat transition sequence. Really godawfully confusing, but I know it'll really help when I get it down. Mount to side control to reverse side control to cross-body (forget what that's called) to reverse side control to side control to mount. Around and around and around. Woohoo. 

Saturday:

Seems they're gearing for an upper rank test, so things are harder than normal - topping! :-D

Am quietly working to be as invisible and unobtrusive as possible so that no one mentions testing to me. I've been with this school for a little less than a year - maybe nine or ten months, I joined last summer. I'm ranked with a different school, different style, and different organization. For the record, I tried to pull off being a white belt and starting at the beginning again, but was eventually outed and told to wear my rank. Something about "if you're a doctor, you're a doctor anywhere, and it confuses people when you pretend otherwise." But anyway - have been working since I got there to adapt to their style - it is similar enough to the style of karate I did back home that I'm able to keep up, but different enough in fundamental, technique-wise ways that it has taken real effort to learn to do things Their Way. But they've mentioned, in passing, that I may have to eventually test for them, to be ranked with them and their style.

I would really rather not. I don't want rank, and would frankly feel much more comfortable with, say, a blue belt around my waist in the first place. Testing back home was fairly frightful, and so I faffed participating but every few years, but was eventually dragged through each of the ordeals necessary to tie a piece of black cotton around my waist. Bah. I really hate testing - eyes on you, being judged, being physically tested... ugh. And I generally feel quite crap about my own ability, so I would rather not give the impression that I know more than I do - and let others who do really know... really see.

Am decidedly grumpy at my krav instructor telling folks that I'm a black belt - as if that means something. Particularly as I'm sure he knows exactly what that means (since he sees pretty accurately how far I've got to go). Humbug.

So yes... am decidedly wary and careful in class right now, hoping I'm not asked to participate, and that the Shihan stops trying to draw me out.

Would love to be less terrified of being the center of attention, but there you are - what can you do?

I was talking about Saturday.

We ran through Every Kata (even the Obscure Ones) up to Wankon Ich (which I don't know, its specific to this style). Basics until our asses cracked [oh, wait...!]. Then this really strange choreographed fight sequence. Really weird - so far outside the norm that even the Really Advanced Dudes were struggling. We don't really do choreographed fighting, but I think its something the Shihan is adapting from Kung Fu.

Trying to remember it.

A [B]

Punch [block, throat-strike, release]
Punch [hook block, grab, punch]
Block. Haito to the collar bone [block, punch, punch]
Block. Hammer-fist temple [block, punch]
Pressing blocks, (two hands) [grab, wristlock]
Step & twist for take-down [evade]
Punch [block, hammerfist temple]
Block [punch]
Block, punch [step in, grab, sweep]
Evade, punch [hook block, punch]
Block, punch [hook block, punch]
Block, punch [hook block, punch]

And I forget the rest. And have probably mangled this version, but its okay... it won't make sense to anyone but me anyway.Just a way to try and store it away for later.  It was kind of beautiful to watch, at the least. And anything that involves even simulated contact combinations is fun.

I need to start writing sooner after class, so that I stop forgetting so much. I can't WAIT to be fully healed and able to Think Like A Normal Again. Brain has been mushy applesauce for a month... nothing is sticking in it, its all just sliding through. I hate it - I can't hold onto anything. Damn lurgy.

It'll come back... but in the meantime, I'm slogging through brain-blocking sick and hoping I'll eventually be able to think straight.

Brainbroken. Still.

Monday:

Missed Krav because I worked late, but caught grappling class. My brain is pretty fuzzy on cold medicine, so I don't remember most of what we worked on, except that I did learn a trick for a triangle choke - for when my legs are just too short.  One - turn towards my knee to get more room.  My instinct is to turn away from it - so good tip. Else - you don't need your legs locked to make it work. Pressing your knees together and ankles down have the same effect. 

Tuesday: More working late. No karate. :(

Wednesday:

More of the same drills from last week. Armbar switching (I think I was even MORE awkward this time) after mount-to-armbar (which I'm so foggy I couldn't tell you how it happens). Also worked on some sort of head-and-arm choke from mount.  Interesting - didn't work on me, didn't work on my partner. Theorized that maybe it doesn't work on females? Will do some testing.

Thursday:

Folks are getting ready for the state tournament, so we're doing all sorts of weird new tournament stuff. Ten second submissions. 10/6/3 second throws.  Really weird. I'm not sure I like it! Makes me realize how slow my brain is working right now, and it scares me because at that speed you're more likely to hurt someone.  I'm NOT about hurting folks, and I just don't have that kind of focus/precision/control. #1 Goal To Work On. And then, of course, Goal #2 would be to get things right.

Mumpy moany whinge.

I’m sickymumpymopey. Well, am generally grumpy right now. Am fairly pathetic when I’m sick, because I get mad when The Lurgy keeps me from doing the fun things I want to do.  And so have loud, protracted and useless whingey rants at the world and hope that fixes things.

So far, no luck.

Been awhile since I wrote, so I'm not gonna do the blow-by-blow. Just want to write what I've picked up on. Ya know, for later, when I forget all of this. Given the putty-like state of my brain right now, that will be very soonly.

Karate: Adaptation is hard, but the more I try it the quicker it comes. 

Tuesday we worked on Actually Hitting Things. A nice change. ;-) No, but really: pad work. Was good to use the standing bags and be able-allowed to put my power behind it. Hitting fer realz. Was thinking bout adaptation because something simple, like being asked to kick a side-thrust from kiba [sideways stance], rather than fighting[forward]-stance - really threw me. Was harder than I thought it should be to do the same kick from a different stance. A good ten tries later, it clicked - but just realized that when we get set into one way of doing things, it can be stupidly hard to stretch outside that. I even caught myself thinking: why would I want to kick from kiba!? But kiba is really just a sideways facing stance. And realistically, I should be able to throw a side-thrust kick to an opponent to either side of me as easily - or more easily - than one in front of me. Right? Should. Yes.

Jiujitsu is a special kind of challenge.

Wednesday was an escape/transition drill - mount to guard to side control. Wish my brain were still functioning enough to remember. Damn cold-meds. I want to say it was: trap & roll [mount], elbow (knee-tailbone) escape [guard], to side-control transition [back to mount]. I can remember everything except the transition from side-control to mount.   All I remember is tucking their head between your armpit and knee, turning as for kesa... and then - somehow - making it around to the mount. Eeple... steps missing! I really wish I could draw.

Things to remember: when popping out of guard, turning my hips into their ankles, pushing out, not down, and popping my hip again (particularly with long-leggers) helps break their guard. When Passing the guard to side control, tucking one knee up under their armpit gives a lot more control - one at the shoulder, the other at the hips. Five points of control. 

I really like these drills - they really help me, for one, to learn What To Do When. To suddenly have Options, and to remember what to do, or what I have done, or what might work, or what else I could try. One day I might actually be able to make the drills work for me in free-rolling. Kinda sucks, though, when you're partnered with folks that know exactly what you're gonna do before you do it... ;-)

I skipped judo on Thursday. First time in awhile I have. Went home early from work and slept all afternoon and all night through, blitzed out on nyquil. Feel like I'm never going to be over this flu! Was really hard not to go to judo, though. Got up and had one very fierce debate with myself about whether I was well enough to go. Decided I wasn't. What with being unable to stand upright or walk without weaving. But it was a near thing - was v. impressed with myself for not going, actually, because normally I'd be all: its only once a week, I can't miss! And talk myself into it. But I can't really imagine how I'd've made it through on Thursday.

I was also legit too sick to go to jiujitsu on Friday too, but I'd had such a crappy day at work I felt compelled to go pretend to rip some arms off. Regardless of how I felt. So I was willing to go anyway. And actually managed the class fine, even if-though I felt like hacking out my lungs, I managed not to. It was the free-rolling that killed me.

We worked more drills: Mount to armbar, armbar switches, and mount escapes. Damn, my brain is really little more than mushy sloopy wet-newspaper right now. Err-cause? I can't remember what I did just last night. Excuse me while I bang it loose against the wall...  I really have no idea how that arm-bar happens. Maybe it'll come back to me. Maybe not. I'm addlepated and brainbroken right now.

Mostly I remember not being able to breathe with J. on top of me in free-rolling. I need to get a handle on this! I know, practically, that it is because I'm congested and having trouble breathing normally, let alone with someone actively trying to crush me - but its leading me to panic and want to quit. I've not felt this way before, period. I mean, yeah, I've felt trapped underneath someone, but never panicked, never felt like I couldn't get enough air. But this week, and then two weeks ago [right when I started to get sick] - both times with J. - I had to tap out because I was absolutely panicking. I couldn't breathe. It felt miserable and horrible and terrifying. Tried to tell myself that I could actually breathe - but those short, shallow breaths just weren't doing it for me. Its scary, and frustrating, because it makes me feel weak and girly. Bah. Its enough to make me afraid to roll with J., because its happened both times with him, because he just CRUSHES you. I mean, I'm not used to being afraid in class, so I'm completely horrified that I am feeling this way. That I really didn't want to play anymore last night. BahgahPAH.  Really really hope this is just because I'm ill (which makes practical sense) and not a sign of some new trend to come. Because I really can't handle this if I start panicking with someone on top of me. What the actual fuck?

Intend to spend the weekend sleeping and resting and healing to be ready to play on Monday, panic aside and breath returned to normal. *sign of the cross, voodoo hexes, whatever works*

Sweet.

Trying to be brief. Which is totally not my style, but I'm limited by time. Hello!

Saturday

The Shihan physically dragged me to the floor to help with the little kids. With some sort of tease about not being able to hide and play invisible. Am getting a bit uncomfortable by his consistent, slow attention. Trying to draw me out. Would much prefer to be invisible, all said.  Urgh.

The benefit of being there for the kids class is that I know, more or less, what we'll be doing in the adult class.  Stances, kata, drills. The kata work was particularly good, because it was led by a red belt I don't know very well, but is a good teacher and had lots of good advice. About timing, but also breathing.  Will try his "three deep breaths" idea and see how it works for me.  Drills were nice - I really am 50x better at drills than six months ago. Was partnered with a young brown belt boy - maybe 13 or 14, but I'm horrible at guessing ages. We worked pretty well together - but that might've been because we were doing led sweeps, and I'm a huge fan of leg-sweeps, now I do judo.

Monday

Krav was great. New instructor - they just finished the instructor's course, and so all the newly minted instructors (who used to be members of the class) are taking turns teaching. Its cool! And really nice to get different teaching styles.

We worked on stomping kicks (mine is better than it was, I can tell!), and then a back-fall followed by a thrust kick from the ground - also much improved. The drill was a forward-choke/head-butt defense. I think I've done it before, but it was good. My partner and I had fun, but also worked hard - I love that combination.  The combination was something like a one hand pop-off with a shoulder dip (for a palm-heel strike), clinch and combatives. I'm still feeling awkward with combatives. One day I'll not feel awkward - my partner (who is now an instructor - go K!) seems to do it fluidly. Something to shoot for...

Grappling was as fun as ever. Worked a sweep from the guard - trapping an arm, hooking the opposite leg over the back, and rolling, if I remember correctly. Also an arm bar from guard that involved wrapping your arm around theirs to put pressure above the elbow - was a lot more difficult than it looked. I found I had to rotate to get the leverage to make it work - probably because I have short arms. Rondori was okay. Nothing spectacular, though I learned not to lock my ankles when I've got someone's back... and that I'm not sure I'll ever get a head and arm triangle!

Sprained my thumb - not sure how. Lovely. Heal fast, pls?

Karate tonight.

No fear.

Judo yesterday: working on 'bumping' throws.

Harder than it sounds, but maybe because I'm thinking about it. My problem is that I pause between the bump and the throw - I need to fully commit. I think I stop to check my leverage, see if I'm right on... but I don't need to be perfect for things to work.  They'll work.  Just need to lose my fear - I know if I commit and they counter/I'm off/whatever, I'm gonna go flying or set myself up to be choked.

We also learned some baseball slide sacrifice throws. That really might come in handy.  Drop throws in general. Will have to play with that.

Watched some pretty awesome matches between jiujitsu guys. No fear, no inhibitions. Just showed me what I could do, if I fully committed and stopped being afraid to move. Its hard to explain the feeling, but I just know I'm hesitating, thinking things through. Which is fine... except when it keeps me from committing with my whole body. Makes me think - maybe the bigest reason why I'm getting pinned isn't the size of my opponent, but my willingness to throw my whole bodyweight and technique against them. My instructor was talking about what happens when you pair an upper rank and a lower rank together. The upper rank is playing hard, because they don't want to lose... and sometimes the lower rank is giving in because they're expecting to. I'm gonna try to find that mindset tonight at jiujitsu. 

Have to find the line between committing fully... and spazzing.

A form of control: not laughing.

Karate is fun.  And often v. funny.

Tuesday started out with just Sensei B and I - for the First Time Ever. No kids: they're all on spring break and off having fun.  So we practiced bunkai (applications) briefly, until some new students walked in.
And so we backed it down (no advanced stuff, frownyface) and practiced basics all class.

Am not sure what we did on Monday that left me with a very sore hip - either was K. whacking the wind out of me in throws, or the kicking? Regardless, my bumhip was - and is - an achey ball of dontscrewwithme.

So the hour and a half of stance-work was a delight of a special kind.  I mean - very good, actually - I always need work on stances. But tiring and long, particularly when you're trying to Set An Example, Dammit. I wonder if the day will ever come when I don't mess up? Bah.  I mean - in general, I'm sure that the new folks can't tell. But I can. Bar ever higher. And I know my instructors can tell - because they're never shy to point out where I'm failing... Yay.

No, really.

But we worked on basics - moving in stance, basic blocks, and the beginner first kata. I really like new students, and these were definitely of the type that learns quickly and practices at home in order to learn more quickly. A mom and her young son. I like teaching, as long as the groups are small and the students want to learn.

On Friday it was Sensei D and I. And a very fun, very productive class. We quickly ran through all the basic techniques; the first time I've been able to see, side by side with another black belt, that my techniques, while far from perfect, are technically correct. Was really nice to see, since I've been working hard to learn to do things Their Way (rather than My Home's Way) - and its been a long time coming.

Then we had some fun.

Balanced boxing mitts on our heads - which was hilarious. Its hard not to laugh when you've got a boxing mitt on your head, and are surrounded by mirrors. But it was also very useful. Went through kata and basics, trying not to let it fall. While trying also to be controlled, fluid, and on target. Woah, talk about illumination!  It really helped me see and feel the ears-over-shoulders-over-hips - and find where I wasn't managing that. And keep that feeling all through class.

The last half of class we worked on drills - a block & counter drill followed by a sweep. And the sweep progressed to a sort of throw. Well, a weird sort of behind-you-in-kiba-leg-bump that is really hard to describe, but I want to try in judo (if its legal).

 Sensei D will be out of town until April, so it'll be much less karate and much more jiujitsu for the next few weeks. Tonight is judo. Can I cross my fingers that I suck a little less than usual tonight?

So. Much. To. Learn.

Krav tonight was good - worked on low punches and front kicks. More of what we've been doing lately, which is cool.  I'm still trying to switch to krav-kicking.  In karate, you avoid any sort of kick which throws off your center of balance - there are several kinds of thrust kicks, though, so at least I have a basis for it. But instead of leaning away and thrusting, krav kicks thrust back and forward at the same time. Its a bit hard to explain, and I've not quite figured it out. Just talking out loud - I've been watching the instructors and trying to mimic them.

The combatives for tonight's krav class: a defense to a choke from behind. I've done it a time or two, so I was pleased that I didn't struggle so much with it. My problem, as normal, was accidentally connecting my knee with  my partners gut. Eeple.  But, in a more practical sense, getting a real clinch and keeping control of their body, as well as being controlled and precise in my targets (so, yeah, I don't knee them in the gut unless I mean to).

Grappling was fun - but then, I do love grappling. I sucked, but I'm going to have to stop saying that, since it isn't likely to change. Throws are so different without a gi. They're a lot harder. More reason to work on sweeps and takedowns? nah... Well, yes. And throws. I'm really not sure, practically, how well throws work in no-gi or practical situations, but I might as well keep them in my repertoire... halfway because they're fun, no matter how useful they are.

We did this really fun throw, though - a sacrifice throw, hooking under the arm like for ippon seonage, but leaning backwards and finally rolling the person across your body by the arm. Will definitely try to play with it later. Maybe he'll show it to us again in Judo. Note to self: ask to have it shown again.

Rolling was no better than normally, though I managed to hold back K's chokes, for once - mostly because she was exhausted and sore from the instructor course last week in krav. Any other day, I'd've been crushed beneath her forearms. Bah. Oh well.

I still hate sucking.

Worked with the instructor for a wee bit, too.  Realized how very long its been since I've worked with any of the instructors.  I'm not sure if they stopped rolling with me or me with them (probably me, feeling like too much crap to volunteer to work with them), but regardless, its been awhile. Its weird - just drives home how far I am from getting anything right - but also how much I really can learn from them.

My little rage-plant.

Last night was the first time I'd ever tapped because I was just too tired to go on with it. I ran out of gas. After ten minutes of a 200lb man crushing my chest (though I'm sure he wasn't putting the kind of weight he'd put on someone else), I was starting to panic from lack of oxygen.  It was the first time I've ever had that.  I've had small moments of panic - when someone's got me in a submission, and I can't tap or speak out, or when someone's choking me and I can't reach to tap. Yeah, that's a little scary - you really hope they let go before you give out.

But this time it was just a progressive lack of oxygen - not a problem for a little while, but all of a sudden I felt claustrophobic, panicking because I can't get out. Ugh.  Weird!  As much as I love rolling with guys - that's what I really hate about it. They're usually SO heavy and SO strong, I feel crushed and powerless. I don't think they even realize how heavy they are, how difficult it is to move or breathe under that. Particularly this guy - he's a former wrestler, and his side control is torture. But it is also something of an excuse: I know I can get out, if I could only figure out a way.

It was not a good class.  I mean, actually, it was a perfectly fine class - but I was complete crap and trainwreck, so I am grumpy about that.  I hate sucking.

Also am grumpy because I had several guys confirm what I already knew: they don't want to roll with me: it isn't a challenge.  And I know that - boy do I know that - already. But its one thing to know it: its another thing to be told it. Feel like the kid that gets picked last for baseball. I don't blame them, but it still really sucks to realize no one wants to play with you. *weeps*

Chances are, it'll be like this for a loong time. It'll be years before my technique is any sort of challenge for BigHulkingMen. I'm small, I'm weak, I'm female, and I didn't grow up wrestling. I'm at a disadvantage. I'm never going to be a real challenge to a guy that can pick me up like I'm nothing, and I'm definitely not now.

Course, that doesn't explain the guy who stopped partnering with me about four months ago. Last night I finally asked him about it, and he admitted it - but still didn't give me any reason for it. His response was, more or less: deal with it. Which was... enough to raise my temper, but not enough for me to express it.

All I can think is: (a) I've said something to make him uncomfortable. Does he think I'm flirting with him/coming onto him, and that makes him uncomfortable? I'm not, but I'm definitely friendly with everyone, and sometimes that can be misunderstood. (b) Some weird sort of guy-girl ManBrain thing that keeps him from wanting to roll with me: not wanting to 'lose' to a girl, not wanting to 'beat' a girl, whatever. Or (c) something about me personally that aggravates him. Maybe I'm spazzy. Maybe I hurt him accidentally & regularly. Maybe something I do frustrates him. Something I'm completely unaware of doing.

It doesn't really matter. Whatever its about, it is his deal, and clearly he doesn't want to do anything about it.      I'm frustrated because it limits my training partners, and means any time we're the last two on the mat, we're not going to roll. But since I can't do anything about it?  I'm trying to just let it roll off me.

For my own notes: we worked on tai-otoshi and mount escapes. I also worked on escapes from side-control.

It sucks - last week's judo class was excellent. I was getting things correct (at least in practice) and it felt wonderful. This class was the opposite. I was weak, I couldn't get anything to work, I was gassing out, and I felt like an idiot and wanted to pull my hair out.

I am really grumpy at the world right now.  I'm not sure if MAs are making me grumpy, or if my general grumpiness is rubbing into MAs, but whatever the case - I've got a seed of rage in my heart and I'm working not to unleash it on my boss, my coworkers, my roommates, and my partners.

No pain.

Had a great class in JiuJitsu tonight. Was a smaller class than the last time - maybe eight folks.

We worked on transitions and submissions - progressively. Started in a mount - practiced hooking and getting weight in the right spot.  Was different than anyone in judo jas done to me - usually a judoka's weight is higher up, on my chest or my shoulders - this position involved weighing on my stomach,. Woah, talk effective - knock the breath out of me.  We then slid to side control from the mount - knee across the belly. I tend to hate having that done to me - folks are heavy! But since this was a slide (no weight), I survived. Hah. From side control we went to a kimura, then armbar, then americana. Really interesting - I though kimura/americana/ude was all the same thing. And it kind of is - reversed versions of each other. Kimura, I guess, means their hands are pointed down to their waist. Americanas are above the head? Same general rotation - painting the ground with their wrist.

What was different between how we're taught in judo: you aren't lifting the elbow for leverage, you're sliding the shoulder. It helps me to do it that way, since I'm so much shorter than my partners - I just don't have the length to lift ANYTHING and keep strength. I tend to need to be close to the ground, and this way lets me be.

Rolling was alright - rolled with a mom and then her daughter - they both take judo with me, and I know them pretty well. They have skills, but lack confidence (don't we all?) so it tends to be a bit of a whatdoIdowhatdoIdo?? roll on their part. And I try not to get everything, and leave myself open to let them do what they know. I know how frustrating it is to not get anything - obviously. With anyone else, I can't. With them, I only can because they've only been there a few months, so I know more, maybe. Though I found out today they have a year of jiujitsu behind them as well, so they SHOULD be able to kick my ass. :)

Talked to the instructor about the no-joint-pain deal. I really hope folks realize I'm not some tough guy, I don't want to be hurt. I just tend not to feel joint locks unless they're Really Right. The folks who really know what they're doing? Can give it to me and have me tap in seconds. I feel it. I just don't tend to feel it if it isn't right.

But yeah - so we were talking that (1) if its right, and I know its right - give it to them (that's been how I try to operate) (2) if they don't have it, and it isn't hurting me, use it as an excuse to wiggle out of it and (3) don't let myself get hurt.

It is an interesting problem to have. I really DON'T want to look like the d**k who is trying to be all ToughGuy on folks, and not tap because they think that makes them look good. I'm not like that - at least I don't think I'm like that. I know personally, that I want to get it right, so I don't want folks tapping until I'm in the right spot. I want to tap when they get it right... but not when they get it wrong. Ugh. Work on it.

They're little adults?

Tuesdays are not my favorite training days. 

I go because its better than not going, but I seldom get a lot out of it. I am often the only adult, and always the only black belt besides the instructor. Which isn't that I can't learn alongside lower ranks, or children - but that I often end up assisting. Which is fine - part of karate is passing on what you learn and helping others figure it out. But I don't often work on anything new, and we often do the same things. Kata. Breaks. Occasionally drills. And I'm usually partnered in these drills with a child - by default - which is a lesson in itself: how not to hurt them.

Today we started with a bunch of punching drills.  And to be honest - I can sit in a wide squat (kiba) for a long time - but by the end of it my legs were trembling. I have too much pride to lessen up my stances as we go on, but Hah! it was funny to find my tremble point again. We ran through the first few kata, and then the instructor and I briefly ran through two more advanced kata alone, before I took a few of the kids to work on the kata they were learning. They did really well, I was impressed. Its cool to see improvement, and to try to help them figure out how to do things different and better. I'm still trying to learn how to explain things to kids. I tend to teach kids the same way I teach adults, and I'm not sure I should be?

We came back together and did 'basic breaks.' I am almost always partnered with a maybe-ten-yr-old brown belt boy. He is fast, and he knows the movements, but he doesn't have much focus (he's a kid, though  - what do I expect?).  I try to rein in his energy some, but since the instructor is his dad, I mostly let him handle it. So we worked on basic breaks, and then a bit of that same drill we've been doing for a few weeks.   Countering with a sweep-punch.  Did figure out a bit about the timing of the combination (short pause between block and counter).

Tomorrow is JiuJitsu. Can I say: I really hope we work on mounts?

Is there another way to say 'mounted'?

Krav was fierce. 

I have to say that, in general, I prefer to be partnered with (a) men or (b) women who are more skilled than I. Mostly because they'll match my intensity.Meh. I like to go hard - I come to work. Unfortunately, men have to pull back their strength when playing with me, but I have to pull back my own strength and intensity when working with women. It is... bizarre. I'm not used to having to do that!  But particularly folks - men or women, but especially women - who are new to any sort of martial art - they're liable to be timid, scared easily, and hurt easily.

So I was grateful to be partnered with a guy for the first part of class. He was new to martial arts, and so pretty timid (particularly about Grabbing A Woman) - but he was definitely strong and tough, which is a good thing. We worked on high blocks first, then the same elbow strike we worked on last week. I was happy that the changes I'd made to my left-side elbow-strike improved things. Since they were my goals this week, I focused on precision & control. With mixed results, but improvement, at least! We ended up working up to a combo - which is new. We don't tend to combo things up too much in krav. But was high-block, two punches, elbow strike[, clinch, combatives].

The drill this week was one we've done before - defense to a forward collargrab/choke. This part of class, I was partnered with a small, older woman. I was especially conscious of my size & strength! Precision & control were my default watchwords. Really helpful! When you are trying not to just barrel through folks, you have to be controlled & precise.  She though - she has some power & precision, age and fragility aside! She was kicking all up the inside of my thighs (rather than actually hitting my groin with that kind of force) - was pretty neat.

By the end of class, I could hardly do the final combatives/punching drill. Bah. That doesn't happen to me often! But then, I push myself harder (because I can) when I'm partnered with men, so the first half of class was all kinds of SarahGoGoGo.

No-Gi was cancelled.

Big frowny-face. But since I'll be able to do jiujitsu on Wednesday, I guess I can't really whinge too bad. Though no-gi is a lot of fun... mostly because I'm at slightly less disadvantage, because folks can't grab and hold my gi with their Awesome Strength, so I'm able to slide out of things a lot more easily. I get trapped a lot less.

I really hope we work on mount escapes. In Judo or JiuJitsu. Sometimes in judo, they ask us if there's anything in particular we want to work on. I definitely need to work on them. Whenever I'm stuck in that position (I really have trouble using the word mounted), all I can remember is bridge and roll, which never seems to work. Though now I'm remembering something one of the wrestling guys was teaching me, using the same torque as shrimping. Hum. Was that from under the mount? It doesn't seem to make sense (whenever I turn in a mount, I end up with some guy on my back - invariably choking me) - but there has to be more than depending on your ability to bridge with someone on your hips/stomach/chest.

I suck, but I know I suck?

I'm fairly sure that my Shihan doesn't realize that I've been at the littledojo since I left. Sweet! Am also fairly sure that he notices improvement, which is also sweeet. Hell, I can notice improvement [thankyoukravthankyoujudothankyousenseidave] and it feels really cool to be in class without all the cantdoanythingright nerves. He was very keen on Welcoming me Back, which was cool. They also asked me to start helping with the kids classes on Saturday mornings.Which is a cool idea... except I don't know the first thing about kids or showing them what to do. My Tuesday class is mostly kids, so I'm getting better with them, by default and because the Sensei makes me - but kids are scary things!

Haven't written in a few days because I've been moving houses. Which is pretty awesome - I love my hew place. Cozy bedroom, bright happy rooms, basement with room to practice - I think this could suit me very well.

So, to catch up:

JiuJitsu was awesome. 

My first class with these folks, and it was just as I'd read. Which I found hilarious - I'm all about the BJJ blogs, so it ended up being pretty much exactly as I'd expected. Nice to know BJJ is about the same wherever you are. I liked that.

We started off doing something like a thousand variations of crunches. Lovely. Despite being a woman, I have very little abdominal strength. Any workout using my stomach is hardhardHARD for me. So the hundred or so crunches of different types was, well - fun. Did you know there are exercises to build neck strength? I had no idea, until we did them, and I started to wonder how my neck is supporting my head, its so weak.

After the absurd warm-up we worked on drills.

This is what I was looking forward to. Working the same thing over and over again to get it down.

We worked on something called [I think] a tailbone-knee escape. Or something like that. Basically, knee to tailbone, base wide, weight on their hips, opposite leg sliding over for side control. And then a variation where you 'stack' them (not going to comment on whether I'll ever be strong enough to stack a resisting partner), shift them, and then let them roll off your shoulder for side control again. 

It was excellent. I really appreciated the drilling - in Judo, we often work things only briefly, and so I never feel like I really get anything down. And the escape really might work for me. At the least, I used what they'd shown me about keeping my weight on my partners hips to limit their ability to shift in Judo on Thursday.  With not wonderful results, but it was something to try.

I went home, though, fairly disheartened and frustrated - realizing that I suck. And all the ways and means that I suck. How very frustrating it is to never get anything right. Had a good long girly weeping pity-party because I get my ass kicked every day and it is frustrating and embarrassing. 

I went to judo fully expecting to cry in class.

Which would've been a first. My judo teacher was astute and aware enough to notice, on Thursday, that I'm reaching my breaking point with frustration. Not that I would quit - quitting something because you're crap doesn't make any sense - but just that I'm boiling with frustration because I only get things right once a blue moon. We had a nice little conversation about it - and so, while I don't feel any less crap or as if I'm improving any faster - I feel less upset about it.

I have very cool instructors.

Thursday's Judo class was Full Of Win. My partner was excellent - we were very well matched. Well, meaning he was considerably better than I am, but we made a really good team. We worked on a variation on Ippon Seoi Nage - instead of hooking around the gripped sleeve, you're hooking via the lapel. It was different. We drilled it over and over again, my partner and I. Adding variations to make it a drop throw, adding increasing speed and resistance, transitioning from the throw to an armbar or choke. It was a lot of fun, besides being really usefuleducational. It makes a huge difference, to have a good partner who you're well matched to.

In randori, he worked on getting me in an ude/americana, and I worked on not letting him. And I failed: again and again and again. But maybe I failed less quickly than I might otherwise do. I dunno. Another education in how important it is to keep my arms in. And how much I want someone to drill with me on escapes from the mount. Because I feel like once I'm mounted, I'm stuck, I'm in their control, and it sucks. Personally, I want them in my guard, or I want to be in their guard - just because I know more of what to do then. But mount - ugh, that sucks. Never let them get your arms, never let them get a mount.

Karate is definitely on the up.

On Friday, we worked on some kata, and then the same drill we'd done on Saturday. I'm trying to focus on relaxing, so that I can react better. Also working on some small things about stances - trying to get a comfortable high stance, and better hand placement - for free-fighting.

Saturday was a lot of fun. Worked on kata, and was pleased to have no trouble with their versions of them. Win! I was able to work with one of the purple belts on his kata before class: I didn't remember which was was their way and which was was mine, so when he asked a question, I said: I'm not sure, look at how Shihan does it. Was pleased to have him say the same thing in class: if you don't know, send them to me. Hopefully he realizes I don't want to teach anyone my own (well, my home-school) way.

Was partnered with a blackbelt woman and, again, we were well matched. Well, yeah, meaning she is better than I, but we made a good team. We're both fans of sweeps... which has something to do with why my ankles are swollen with bruises. Still, it was a great give and take - trading what worked and what didn't, and having a great time at it. Am trying to place closer attention to where I'm keeping my guard - get better at protecting my head.

Next week: Goals

Monday: 
         Krav: Control & Precision
         No-Gi: Cancelled. Indefinitely?
Tuesday:
         Karate: Stances. Hands.
Wednesday:
         JiuJitsu: Take it in stride?
Thursday:
         Judo: Mount escapes, if possible. Arms in. Drop throws.
Friday: 
         Karate: Stances. Power. Kaari.
Saturday: 
         Karate: Relaxation.

Estrogen.

There aren't a lot of women in martial arts, though they're slowly creeping in, at least at my school.

So imagine my delight and surprise to be sitting on the mat after a good roll and having a chat with my training partners.  Two other women, myself, and a young, athletic male.  I cracked up on the inside because for once the tables were turned! I wonder if it dawned on him that he was the only male present - when we started discussing hairstyles and cuts that work for grappling.  For the record, he nodded very sagely, in the way that folks do when they have no idea what folks are talking about or how to contribute. He looked very uncomfortable and darty-eyed, but I was very impressed that he didn't scuttle away when he realized he was surrounded by estrogen. I found it hilarious.

So often I find myself surrounded by guys.  Which is fine - I expect that and enjoy that and I think its awesome that we're able to train very closely together and navigate the weird things that come up between genders. But I almost never find myself surrounded by women.  It was a delightful moment.  

I have pointy knees and bad aim.

Krav Maga:

First half of class was working on lunging elbow strikes, knees, and front kicks. All lunging because, hell, I think that's what krav does is lunge forward. No reason to back out, right? :)

Elbow strikes - I'm okay if the target is the right height (my shoulders-to-head level) - but I'm short - working with a taller partner I wasn't able to get enough power behind the strike when hitting higher. Will have to work on targetting and striking to higher targets - one day.  This time, I just had them lower it. I'm much stronger on my right side, though, so I focused on striking from the left. 

Straight in front of me is often my attacker's chest....

Knees - figured out a big thing with kneeing.  I've been doing it much as I would any technique in karate - pull my knee straight upwards as I lunge.  As if I were loading for a front kick.  Today I played with it (couldn't figure out why I didn't have any power) and realized that if I come from the hip more - angle my leg as if I were a dog lifting to piss while I lunge, instead of straight in front of me - I'm able to have more power. Plus, I end up deeper into them, and so am more able to clinch and continue for combatives.  Was really nice to figure that out. 

Front kicks - I can't figure out how to krav-kick.  I'm kicking a karate kick - a snap kick.  I'm trying to make that a thrust kick, but it's a funny transition.  Just started to play with it when we moved to something else.  I just need to make it more of a push without leaning away from it, as I would in karate.  Need to pay attention to how the instructor does it.

Combatives (the second half of class) was all defense to a blow from above with a blunt object.  Everyone ended up with the wrong end of a bat on their head at least once (they were padded bats, but everyone ended up getting whacked by the hard part at the end). Which left everyone a bit grumpy.  But the drill was fairly simple - lunging into the opening at their shoulder, straight-armed, while punching, trap the arm, knee - if they don't drop the bat, pull back the arm and pop the hips (hard to describe) to get the bat away.  It was actually one of the more instinctive ones , for me - except that I was leaving out the whole punch thing and just going for the clinch.  :-/  But... I'm super conscious of the fact that I don't want wounded training partners, or no one will want to train with me.  So I'm wary of any kind of strike.

Grappling:

Meh.  Not the most intensive class - almost everyone was a beginner - which is fine, except they were working as a group on basic throws and break-falls. There were only three of us not-quite-beginners, so we rotated out.  And both of them seemed pretty wiped from krav and pretty bonked from the bats.  Am not used to being the one with all the energy.  Ah, wait - no, I lie.  I am.  Not sure where my energy comes from, but I've rarely been too tired to continue.  I wonder sometimes if that means I'm not working as hard as the others, or if it just has something to do with the fact that I'm superman and don't feel pain & fatigue like others tend to.  Or just my personality? Because I'm absolutely exhausted all the time - but that doesn't stop me from having enough energy for class[es] and then some.

But anyway - moping aside.  We worked on a few throws - whatever we wanted to.  And then some sweeps - had trouble with a (I'm bad with names so I give descriptions) switch-up inside hooking reap against someone much taller than me.  He'd just pull up his leg and stand on one leg like a bird - while I tried with all my strength to hook him, drive him down, whatever.  I couldn't get enough momentum to push him to the ground - whenever I went to reap, I'd lose what momentum I had.  What I ended up having to do was reap the leg really high up (too high and I was wrapping my leg around his - which also didn't work).  I tried to do it as a sweep to the ankle, but also wasn't having enough oomph to get him to the ground.  I don't like that reap, cause I land in his guard.

Actually, I probably don't like it because its hard, which is why I don't like most of them.  Honesty.

Tried to practice a variation of it and landed knee-to-groin on my poor partner.  Ugh.  I'm leaving a trail of those behind - do not want to get a reputation for taking out folks via pointy knees to sensitive-groin.  Need to learn to control my momentum as I land (unless I'm fighting to maimkill) and keep aware of where my pointy bits - knees & elbows - are. Because I've hit folks pretty badly in the groin a handful of times now - not always my fault, mind - and it feels awful. On my end too. At least this partner was female, so the groin strike hurt, but it didn't take her out for the day/week/month.

Ground work was mostly playing around with the armbar that Ronda Rousey won with last week against Liz Carmouche. Mostly because everyone had watched it together and had been itching to try it. :) I see why she likes it.  I like arm bars - and I'd like to get better at getting them.  I've got pretty powerful legs [relatively speaking] - that's the only advantage I really have - so arm-bars make the most sense.  I have trouble Americana-ing anyone, so simple, straight-arm arm-bars are kind of my focus right now.  Not to mention that Ronda Rousey is a pretty epic motivator - and demonstrator - of their effectiveness.  But I'm still on the basics.  I'm a long time away from moving onto anything else.

Americana
Sarah cannot get this on anyone who isn't patiently letting her...

We didn't do any free-rolling, though.  Too many beginners, maybe? *sadface*  I was hoping to roll with the tall fellow I couldn't reap - mostly because he's deadly, and its good to roll with folks who are deadly.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu:

Classes. Start. Wednesday. *insert exited jumps and girly squeals*  I'm looking forward to this. I'm not sure how different it'll be from judo or grappling - particularly since our school isn't too rule-focused (with regard to This is Judo vs That is JuJitsu) - but I'll be interested to see. And curious about how the new BJJ instructor teaches.  He's given me advice in class before, and I can tell he's a good teacher and knows a lot, so I'm excited. Mostly excited because that means 2 extra hours of mat time a week.
Perfect timing - my Wednesday karate class is shutting down, which left my Wednesday evenings distressingly free.No more - its a Jiu-Jitsu Partaaay!

Funny - I've been feeling like a bit of a plunker, because I've been spending lots of time reading BJJ blogs - and I don't study BJJ (until now). But I study judo and grappling, and there is a lot of overlap.  And I couldn't find any good judo blogs - and the judo blogs weren't about the ground game either.  So BJJ has been my reading pleasure.  There are lots of great BJJ bloggers out there. Who've given me lots to think about. Unfortunately, the terminology is a little different in BJJ (not that I'm good with terminology anyway) so I've been using my imagination half the time when they're talking about chokes or submissions I've never heard of.  It'll be nice to know what they're talking about.

Sometimes, hope floats.

Saturday class was excellent. 

Much less scary than I expected.  I'm not sure why I always feel like I won't be able to keep up - and I don't know what I'm doing - and I'll embarrass myself - and, and, and - you know, until I come around to see that - wait, yes - I do know what I'm doing (most of the time) and I can keep up, and no one is watching me anyway so how can I be embarrassed?

Oh, yea, and no one expects me to be perfect.

Except, well, maybe me.  Because I'm pretty damn sure its hiding in there, and every mistake is just evidence of how close I got to being perfect.  Yes.

Was a pretty straightforward class - worked on basics first.  I got confus-ed about how they wanted me to side-kick, but otherwise just worked on making sure I'm doing the basics as precisely as possible and making sure I relax - because gogogoI'mpanicking nerve-biting really really ruins any hope for good technique.  On Friday my Sensei and I were talking: there are two folks to be afraid of - white belts, and brown belts.  White belts, because they have no idea what they're doing, and are likely to hurt you because of it, and brown belts, because they feel like they have something to prove and are trying reallyhardmustgo120%ALLTEHTIMEE.  I'm making an effort to make sure I'm not behaving like a brown belt.  Occasionally - particularly when I get very focused - I can be gung-ho mustgetthisRIGHTNOW kind of determined, tense... and a bit out of control.

And I'm often told that I'm accidentally hurting folk.  Which isn't, ever, what I'm trying to do.  I just tend to be fairly pain-free, so I'm still [always] trying to figure out what hurts everyone else (because it probably won't hurt me).  Its a control thing, but a really weird type of control.

After basics, we spent a good chunk of time working on kata.  I didn't have any huge brain-farts (wohohoo!), and the Shihan helped correct me on a few of the finer details.  I like kata.  Looking for technical perfection is always a good focus - but I'm reaching the point where I need to start focusing on strength, power, timing, speed - other things as well. 

Then worked on sparring techniques.  Started off paired with a black-belt woman, but then switched and worked with a young teen black belt boy.  We worked this punch-block-punch-sweep-punchpunch combo, with the defense of block-punch-block-step-blockblock-backkick.  For some reason, I kept getting tripped up on the back kick - wanted to do a rear leg hook kick.  I still don't know where I was getting screwed up.

The Shihan said something about how I needed to be faster even though it was "your first day back."  It seems like he doesn't know that I've been working at the other [his other, though he doesn't teach there] location for the last few months?  Which - hey, that's perfect for me.  Just means that I'm given a bit of a pass for my mistakes.  I, for one, would be very impressed if I'd taken a few months off and come back as strong as I did today.  Ah - well, hopefully I don't LOOK like I've taken months off. :)

But I need the pass - we seldom work on combos like this at the LittleDojo.  We very seldom do free sparring. And my OldDojo did very very little of either.

I do think the krav is helping my sparring.  Even while it makes it difficult, because it changes my reactions, and gives me options that karate wouldn't teach me.  Which is great, in self defense - but Doing The Drill is something else.  But it is teaching me how to react.  Quickly, and usually appropriately.  It is teaching me to relax, to process, and to move.  Karate is doing that too - but more slowly, so I'm noticing the influence of krav more.

It was really hard for me to watch the ju-jitsu class start their warm up.

Ju-jitsu is immediately after karate at this school.  In the spring/summer/fall (late April to mid-October), I bike out there, so I can stay for ju-jitsu as well.  Since I'm carpooling with a family who takes only karate, I can't stay for ju-jitsu.  Yet.  But, gah - was all green with envy.  I'm ready for spring already!

I only went to this jujitsu class for a few months before the snow fell last year.  I'd been doing judo for a few months already, but was pretty new to both.  I'm really eager to see how I've changed, and what I've learned - when I get to roll with these folks again.  The classes are similar, but also very different.  Jujitsu stands differently, doesn't focus on throws at all and seems to roll faster and sometimes a bit more brutally than judo does.  Though my judo school isn't exactly typical - they teach us from a broad spectrum of ground and standing techniques - they just preface some techniques as 'this isn't allowed in judo, but is allowed in jujitsu.' Because Alaska is so small, sometimes our folks compete in jujitsu tournaments and such - there is such a small pool of folks it makes sense to combine. So we learn the rules for both.

Unfortunately, I don't compete - because the pool for women is abysmal, and so the competitions rarely have an adult women's division. Pretty sure it'd never have weight classes.  Though... I've asked a few of the girls at my school, who have similar time-in-training, if they'd be willing to enter the next competition with me.  We'd just be rolling with each other, and we do it all the time, but it'd be interesting to do that When It Counts. 

In a few weeks, I'll be able to add another jujitsu class to my agenda.  My judo school has brought on a jujitsu teacher because, well - he has fun new things to teach us. I know some folks don't approve of training with different instructors, but I don't think mine care.  Or, well, I know my jujitsu teacher doesn't care that I take judo, and now my judo teacher has brought on a jujitsu teacher to add to what his school is teaching me. And he adamantly encourages learning as much as you can, from wherever you can. *shrugs*  I just want to roll as much as I can.  I like karate and krav - a lot.  But I really love judo/jujitsu.

I think its that you're fighting with fully resisting opponents.  There's no playing around.  You're not trying to hurt each other, but you're not punching at each other either.  Though my karate school, at least, is of the two-inches-in contact rule (at least for upper ranks) or controlled full contact.  Was a problem when I went to other schools and realized they don't make contact.  Oops?  Only takes a few times of hitting someone and getting looks before you realize you've broken a taboo.

I'm ready for the week ahead.

I hurt my ankle last weekend, and am hoping to ski again tomorrow - will have to come up with some better-fitting boots, because I was humiliated when my rolling partner grabbed onto my oozing ankle during a pass.  I couldn't find my tape.  Next time - I need to not be too shy to say - don't grab my ankle, you're going to put your hand straight on a sore.  Eep - etiquette 101!

Plan for the week:

Sunday: maybe skiing in the afternoon - but I need to pack to move
Monday: Krav Maga and No-Gi
         Goals for monkrav: focused contact, specific targets, controlled attacks
         Goals for no-gi: sweeps, sweep, sweeps
Tuesday: Karate
          Goals for tueskarate: putting power in techniques, using teacher-voice with kiddlings
Wednesday: Karate
          Goals for wedkarate: putting power in techniques, deeper stances, controlled turns, pick up speed
Thursday: Judo
          Goals for judo: countering throws in standing, fully pulling my throws, sweepssweepsweeps, armbars
Friday: Krav Maga and Open Mat
          Goals for frikrav: focused contact, specific targets, controlled attacks
          Goals for openmat:  sweeps, no-gi takedowns
Saturday: Karate
          Goals for satkarate: faster, more relaxed, more aware

Ongoing goals: 
increasing # of full pushups (no more girl-pushups during warmup!), being more aware of partners and power, reeelaaaxxxing, eating 1hour before training and again 10/15min before training.

I might have an ego, but I know I'm an idiot.

Definitely wasn't trainwrecking tonight. Not that I didn't screw up - lots - but it wasn't a train-wreck.

Got to karate forty minutes early. Such is the life when you're depending on public transport.  God, won't spring come?

But - the advantage is that I get there really early, so I've got lots of extra time to practice - with my friendly Sensei, full mirrors, and wooden floors as benefit.

Before class I focused on kicks. Lots and lots of kicks. Kicks I haven't drilled in a long time, because this school doesn't focus on them. Weird kicks. Combination kicks. Trying to get my flow right - some kicks naturally tie to others - roundhouse kicks, for instance, lend themselves to spinning back kicks. Front kicks and hook kicks go well together. And so on. Not that I have much occasion for stringing kicks together - its really just about figuring out how to string techniques together in a realistic and practical way. Noticing the rotation of your body & hips and considering whether the next technique you use is one that is natural - goes with the rotation - or unnatural - you're fighting to get your body to change direction, rotation, and focus. Its kind of fun, because I haven't done it in so long and it reminds me of my home dojo (in Florida).

Class was, as expected - kata.  Forms.  I haven't gotten to work on the advanced kata since Sensei D. left in January, since the other classes I attend are mostly kids and usually no other upper ranks or black belts.  I'm worried that Saturday - returning to the Big Dojo - we'll work on forms, and I'll come to find how much I've forgotten. 

I haven't forgotten much, and most of my hangups are [still] related to transitioning between karate styles - my old school did it one way, this school does it completely different. But I am making a real, concentrated effort to make sure I'm doing it their way, not questioning it, not fighting it, not letting myself fall back into the way I was 'raised,' as it were, in karate.

I really hate changing things. A lot of the time, I catch myself thinking that I like my old way better. It isn't any better, I know that.  It is just different. It is just hard to change, and I've been doing these katas, techniques, movements, stances in this way for years, so I feel much more comfortable doing it the old way. It is easy to get frustrated - I had no idea changing schools was such a difference. But it is, at least between these two styles.  The fundamentals, the most basic things, even - my old school, for instance, taught that all blocks are bladed - half-facing.  At this school they are all straight-on. It is a fundamental, significant difference that changes everything about how I move. And so I have to break my muscle memory AND my former instructors countering-voice all the time.  I'm managing, and getting better at it - but I had no idea I'd have so much trouble with it.  No wonder folks are wary of new black belts coming from other schools - think they'll come in with ego, and not want to learn a new way of doing things!  I'm not sure about the rest - but I know it isn't ego (...am an idiot and I know I'm an idiot...) or not wanting to learn their way. I'm just struggling and trying to hide that I'm struggling. Maybe that is ego?

But yes.  Tomorrow, all willing, I'll be sweating and grunting along with the rest of the BigDojo.  And cowering away from the Shihan, hoping he doesn't notice me. And possibly forgetting how to punch or, alternatively, punching far harder than necessary.  But that's a problem for another night.

Tonight I'm happy, because I reviewed Heian/Pinan 1-5, Tekki/Naihanchi 1 & 2, Bassai [Dai], Kanku Dai, and Mikiyo - and didn't struggle through any of them.  And because even though I have pathologically screwy balance, I had a nice kicking session. But mostly because I sweated, and grunted, and got frustrated with a group of friends who laughed at my frustration, handed me inspiration, and sweated and grunted too.

Spazzing

Last night was Judo.  And I suck.

Well, I think the proper, colloquial term is 'trainwreck' - which is so very appropriate I'd like to have it stitched on my gi.

I'm getting better.  Actually, I feel like I'm in one of those rare surges of improvement, when things are starting to click like mad, synopses are firing, and all of a sudden I'm rolling and I can see what to do.  I might not actually be able to, but I can see the path.  Its something. 

Its taken a long time to get there.  I've been training judo for almost a year.  Am trying to keep perspective: judo is hard, I learn particularly slow, and even the top folks have trainwrecks on a regular basis.  And, sadly enough, though I've been doing karate for about eight years - I still feel like an idiot most of the time there.  So I suspect the idiot-trainwreck syndrome is likely to stick for quite awhile yet in the martial arts that I'm even newer to. 

That's okay.  I imagine I'll stick with it until I'm too broken not to.

So last night, judo:

Spent the first half of the class, per normal, working on throws. That thing where we get in a line and everyone throws everyone else once each, until everyone has been thrown by everyone else.  Which is a marvelous drill, because you get to watch all the different throws that folks can pull out of their pockets.  I was pleased to find that - though I still don't know what the throws I'm doing are called (I'm horrible with the Japanese) - I remember more of them than I thought I did.  I didn't do a different throw each time, but nearly.

And, since a girl grows on feedback, I was v. pleased to receive both praise & pointers. 

Am trying to think more about what throws work for what type of partner.  In general, I'm going to be shorter than everyone else.  I think I am shorter than near about - no, wait, am shorter than everyone else in class.  One of the things my instructor mentioned was: Sarah, you need to DROP every throw.  It'll be really interesting to try.  Being so low to the ground, it's a lot harder for those tall folks to fight if I drop, and, as he said "suddenly, their head is a lot closer to the ground than they intended."  I really like hip throws - heck, they're fun - but I already know that I'd have to be really fast, on target, and powerful to make them work with almost anyone I'm playing with.  Because if I'm slow, I've just presented my back to a guy who is liable to take the opportunity and crush me.  If I'm not fast enough, or on target enough, there is no way I'll be able to leverage a larger opponent.  Sad as it is, I'm thinking that, practically, I'm better off with sweeps and counter throws.  I have a lot of fun when I wait for someone to try to throw me, and take advantage of their motion. I'm still too much of a trainwreck to be able to throw by my own kizuuush.

In grappling we worked on counters to someone trying to pass from guard to side-control.  Knee-to-belly-like.  Which is delightful, because I've had enough knees in my belly and (a) its really uncomfortable & almost painful and (b) that's one of those moments when I realize how much size, weight, and strength others have on me, so I tend to feel pretty damn helpless.  But no more!

Now I have the option to do a fairly complicated block with my knee, grab, post, and roll.  Which is, you know, something.  And, with enough practice, might actually work.  Though frankly - my ability to catch their ankle as their knee is sliding across my belly - seems pretty unlikely.  An end goal, really.  More interesting to me was the idea that if I can get control of someone's ankle - however and whyever - I can roll with it and get my own side-control.  With bonus nah-nah-nah-I'vegotyourleg.  Which is always nice.

Randori - free-rolling - was mostly an exercise in futility.  Rolled first with StrongMan.  Who I'd been partnered with all class, and has a demonstrated ability to crush everyone in class, including the instructors.  Which is - ya know - awesome.  Except for when you're the one being crushed.  Or, well - that's pretty awesome too, all said, but still.  I'm not sure I was able to manage a single thing.  He has this frustrating tendency to keep his arms locked and extended during standing, which makes it pretty impossible to get in for a throw. Sometimes I just want to scream "loosen up!!" Its working for him, which is even more frustrating - he has enough strength that he can strong-arm almost anyone to the ground (push me, you know you want to!) - but its a lot easier for both of us if he relaxes and flows into a throw, rather than yanking and jerking and being all angular and strong.

It probably bothers me because I'm a girl, so I'm all about flowing into throws - there's no way I can strong-arm anyone.  I sometimes have to (or, well, want to) remind StrongMan that just because he can pick me up and slam me down doesn't mean he should - or that it is an actual technique.  Sometimes I'm glad I'm not a guy - I think guys, especially working with women, have to learn how not to use their strength. Or, we hope they do. They don't automatically go for technique - their instinct is often yank!pull!  Because otherwise, it gets kind of ridiculous.  Yes, you can crush me(/carry me/yank me/drag me/push me/pick me up) - no, that isn't judo - unless it actually is judo - then, by all means, crush away.

This time - well, when we were on the ground - it was technique plus strength, so I was totally on board.  To get my ass kicked. Over and over and over again. I'm teaching myself to tap when I'm well & truly trapped - even if it doesn't hurt, or I can breathe.  In large part because joint locks don't cause me pain (I'm a freak) but that doesn't mean it isn't working.  I might be overthinking things - I'm not as easygoing about it as I was even a few weeks ago, but that's probably also my mood.  Am more moody & subdued right now than in general, and so that comes out in things like my rolling.  So I'm not moving as freely as I usually do, and I'm giving up sooner, and getting frustrated faster.  Don't like it - am waiting for my mood to swing back to normal.

Also rolled with a newer woman - she's been there for only a month or two, I think, so she's still trying to figure out how free-rolling works.  Hell, so am I - and I only just got to where things are starting to make sense.  So our roll was really a head-on train collision.  You know, where no one is managing anything at all because its all spazzball!! and we're all collide!  Haha.  I was trying not to dominate - the last time we rolled, it was one of the first times I had a click! moment and was seeing all these pathways, so it was all Sarah!chokes, Sarah!bars, Sarah!sweeps - which isn't very helpful for her as she tries to learn.  But in my effort to not dominate - backing off & being compliant - she didn't manage to get anything, and I didn't manage to let her figure anything out.  I wanted to say slow down! because we end up in these crazy positions when folks are all gottadoSOMETHINGhelllp! rather than hmm, what do I do now? Which is the attitude I'm working really hard to grow.  And only occasionally manage.

Tonight, karate:

Friday nights I have the option of either going to Krav Maga and open mat (for judo/krav/grappling), or karate.  Different schools.  I'm a huge fan of open mat - it lets me work on whatever I need to work on, at my own speed.  And krav is a good experience all around.  But tonight I'm hitting karate instead.  My karate instructor (this one) has been out of town for a month and just got back.  Wednesdays and Fridays are usually one-on-one practices.  Occasionally, someone else joins us, but usually its just the two of us.  We have a plan to work on advanced kata tonight, and I'm working on changing things with my stances (and keeping krav out of how I kick).

Mostly I want to go tonight because I'm nervous about Saturday.  I haven't trained at my Shihan's school since the snow fell - October or early November.  The school is out of town and my bike just can't take the snow or the cold.  I don't drive.  But one of the folks that trains in town with me on Tuesdays offered to carpool me out there on Saturdays. And I accepted, of course - the Big Dojo has fifteen times as many people and the HeadHancho teaching, so it is definitely the place to go, when you can. But it makes me nervous enough to have belly-gripes.  I've only been at this school since June.  When I came, they asked me to still wear my rank - my black belt - but I've always felt like a fraud.  I'm not ranked in their style, and I'm still trying to figure out how to switch to their style.  Besides that I generally feel like an idiot period.

But their Shihan (now, I guess, my Shihan too) is really intimidating, and I'd really like to make a good impression - show him that these last few months of working at the other dojo, with his other teachers, has resulted in a New!&Improved! Sarah.  I want to make my instructors - like the Sensei I've been working one-on-one with since June - look good.

In all likelihood, as soon as the Shihan looks at me, I'll spazz out, panic, and forget how to punch.  But still.

So tonight I'm headed to karate to see if I can grow some confidence for tomorrow.